Motherly Advice

So, I was talking to a friend today who shares my motherly faux pas: we don't love our newborn babies! We don't gush; we don't bond; we just nurse and change diapers to our new little time absorber. Does this mean we don't love our kids? No way! Getting through the newborn stage is just a hurdle to a better time of life.

Anyway, the point is there are a few social stances, particularly around motherhood, that I think should be discussed more often. Why is it you never hear about some things until you're already in the thick of it?

Like, Mastitis. Hello! If a new mom is lucky someone warned her of mastitis and it's symptoms during pregnancy. But I didn't hear about it until a year plus after I had my first. Thank goodness I've never experienced it personally. What is so wrong about discussing something that can go wrong with our boobs? Do we just not talk about them enough amongst other females so that we can glean a bit of forewarning? I'm not sure. I just know a lot of new mom's who have already established nursing patterns and then hear about this horrible malady. I guess this one boils down to: why don't we talk about it when things go wrong with our breasts? At least with other women?

Another pregnancy related topic is Miscarriages. I wish we would talk about them more. I've had three, and I am happy for each one of them. They all taught me something about myself. I have known women who have had horrible and devastating miscarriage experiences. But, I've known many more women who have had normal, healthy (although sometimes painful) miscarriages. A healthy miscarriage is one where the built up uterine lining completely sloughs off. Otherwise you need a dilation and cuterage; this can still be healthy, but it is more involved. A healthy miscarriage is getting rid of a embryo/fetus that: 1) your body isn't ready to handle yet, or 2) is so genetically or environmentally out of whack that the baby most likely wouldn't survive if it was born.

Maybe the really horrible miscarriages would be easier for women to deal with if they didn't feel so alone. Many, many women have miscarriages. It's so much better to talk about a miscarriage, even if it wasn't traumatizing, because then someone else doesn't feel alone. It also helps women who have never had one. They tend to tiptoe around women who have miscarriages because they don't understand what it's like. If we talked more, we'd all be better able to cope and show compassion.

Then there's No Baby Cravings. As in not feeling compelled to hold or touch other people's babies. Or feeling the need to have one yourself. I feel lucky. I've known since I was a teenager I wanted to be a mom. Probably 'cause I have a brother 11 years younger than me that I loved to watch when he was younger.

Not everyone wants a baby, and that's ok! It's one of the greatest lessons I learned from a miscarriage. I was relieved when I miscarried. I had tried to convince myself I needed to be happy about being pregnant, but it just wasn't true. If you don't want a baby, dread being pregnant, or already are and are miserable, then that's how you feel. Be responsible, but don't lie, especially to yourself.

Don't misunderstand me on one point. I believe in personal revelation from God, and if you get a personal message from heaven (hopefully not the lightening rod version) letting you know to have a baby, listen. Still, obeying doesn't mean burying your feelings. You need to be honest with yourself.

Which leads to my main faux pas: Not Loving Newborns. How did we end up with the notion that all moms immediately bond with and fall in love with their babies? I know a handful of women in my acquaintance who don't, including myself. All of them are relieved to find someone else who doesn't love/bond with/gush over their brand new baby. Loving someone is a choice; it is also a process.

I do know women who have an immediate bond. Maybe their incredibly talented in loving; maybe their chemical reaction is stronger. I don't know. As long as they don't stare incredulously at me when I say I don't love or crave newborns, they can love/crave/bond with/gush over newborns all they want, and I won't treat them like they're crazy.


One day while I was in the grocery store a child of mine was climbing between two crates with an ice chest balanced on top, and I was trying to get her out to prevent some kind of painful accident. A woman and her husband moving to the checkout line noticed me. Out of the blue she began to ask me about my children and pregnancy and, basically, how to cope. Ends up she and her husband just found out they were pregnant. They were probably already in their 30s (not a bad thing), and probably used to working and just having the two of them.

I realized after a few sentences that she was panicking about being pregnant. So, I told her that I didn't love my babies at first; that time taught me to love them and their personalities. I also told her it was ok to not feel ready, or to not even want to be pregnant. My husband also piped in that they'd have to do more take out than going to restaurants for the first bit (soooo true).

Her shoulders relaxed and I could see the half amazed look as she realized that she didn't have to live up to our societal image of the ideal new mom. I really hope that woman, her husband and their new baby are ok. I think they will be. I really hope we can all open up a bit more and broaden our view of what a mother should be.... herself. Maybe then no one will feel like they have to ask a complete stranger for emotional support in a grocery store.